Coming to Love My Darkest Places: Poems by Jennifer Kelley

 

 

This is a review about this book of poems.  The author Jennifer Kelley has a brief biography in the book and she is listed as a writer (fiction and non-fiction) and poet with several accomplishments.   The book is autobiographical and written in free verse.  The physical structure of the poems is altered at times in the familiar manner of poets who use free verse. The overall structure of the book is interesting with 3 chapters of 11 poems each followed by a final chapter of 16 poems in the final chapter for a total of 49 poems over 107 pages.

The organizing theme of the collection is what she has endured and overcome in her life – including depression, bipolar disorder, psychosis, post-traumatic stress, grief, love and loss, and childhood epilepsy.  Like most important life experiences it is not a question of overcoming but recalling them over time and the changing relationship to those memories.  That can lead to different assessments and different emotions - experienced with age. 

The opening chapter is a clever James Bond metaphor (The James Bond Series) with childhood epilepsy as a equivalent of Bond’s martini.  She conveys her unique situation in 5 stanzas culminating in her observation that the only place she felt unique as a child was waking up in a hospital after a seizure.  It was the only place that she felt carefully attended to.  From my training as a physician this was interesting because it also parallels what I was told on both pediatric and child psychiatry rotations.  Some children with a lot of hospital exposure may prefer the setting because of the level of care that they receive.  The idea is developed that the only way she felt exceptional was due to the seizures, but later that same feeling could be recreated by drinking alcohol.

The poems raise questions for the reader and may lead to associations from the past. As I read her descriptions and imagery about her grandmother and the loss of her grandmother – I had the immediate association to remembering my grandparents earlier that day and the similar catastrophic circumstances. But more than that the hope that they knew the way I felt about them when they were alive.  It was perfectly captured in this phrasing:

“You were always a place as well as a woman

Did you know that?

I hope I told you.

One million times over the green polyester tablecloth,

I hope you knew.”

(p. 67-68)

There is an interesting element of timelessness in this experience. Many of us have conscious experiences each day where we are emotionally anchored in time even though the events occurred decades ago.

One of the tasks of poets is to pay close attention to the events of life as we pass through them and come out the other side.  What was it like?  What was learned? Is it a shared or more unique experience?   Many of the poems are universal experiences – like being with your grandparents when you are a kid and realizing there are problems but you are not quite sure what they are. And later driving down the road late at night and thinking of how that distance out past your lights closes far too slow – then thinking about that as a metaphor.

I noted a technique using lead off quotes with references to them in the body of the poem that I had not seen before.  The references are both to the original author and in some cases include stanzas written by that author.  As an example, she opens the poem Light using two lines by Fatima Ashgar and closes with two lines by Emily Dickinson.  Between that opening and closing was a poem about grief and the stark contrast between all the memories of that very real person and the hollowness of grieving them.  Rereading that poem many times it is clear the lines by Ashgar and Dickinson were perfectly used in the body of the poem written by Kelley.       

In the final analysis, this is a collection of unique but common experiences. The author does a good job of characterizing both. There is an implicit spirituality contained in many passages – her experience in 12-step recovery is one example.

I recently saw a presentation on the meaning of art and how it differs from other human endeavors. The presenter contended that any form of art is the perceptual and conscious experience of the artist as they go through life. Should it just be a description or there are rhetorical elements?  Is the author trying to persuade you to accept a certain viewpoint about life – or will you naturally come to a viewpoint based on the artistic expression.  I thought this book of poems was an excellent example of the latter.  Kelley describes vivid interpersonal and emotional experiences that may or may not resonate.  If not, it will increase your appreciation of the human experience.  

Read this book if you like poetry and free verse.  Read this book if you like stream of consciousness writing and can relate to it at any level. But aside from the technical aspects read this poetry if you are a student of human consciousness and spirituality and how both of those dimensions come into play when dealing with adverse experiences whether they reach the threshold of a diagnosis or not. Certainly read this book if you are a psychiatrist or psychiatric trainee – this is a glimpse into real human experience at the highest level.

 

George Dawson, MD, DFAPA  

Reference:

Jennifer Kelley.  Coming to Love My Darkest Places.  Kelsay Books, American Forks, Utah.  2023.  Kelsaybooks.com